Catering is a people-pleaser attitude. It can be very subtle as we all, more or less, grow up wanting to please. These attitudes transfer over when we speak or express ourselves publicly and professionally. They are intentions and carry a message. Too much politeness is very often a sure sign that someone is lacking confidence, it can also be a manipulative strategy. Apologizing too much is another example.
Catering, as a mode or style, comes from poor self-confidence and lack of clear purpose. Trying to “make friends” with an audience can be devastating; the effect is as disappointing as a magician showing you how the trick is done. It robs us of the “magic” of the trick. We love to be fooled as an audience member; it is part of the game and subconscious expectation.
The key dynamics are take charge and control. There are two camps in public speaking and performance situations. Your audience is on one side (even if it is one person) and you are on the other. You are temporarily separated by an invisible energy field so that you can “perform” or “demonstrate” your act. You need that freedom. Your audience is always a passive spectator.
Patronizing is equally devastating. We have all been patronized one way or the other. When a speaker or communicator does that, it always tends to leave us uncomfortable and annoyed. Patronizing stems from poor self-confidence as well. It is unfortunately often connected to earlier childhood inferiority complexes. It is a compensation mechanism. I patronize as a way to protect myself. The paradox is that if you demonstrate to an audience or a person that you need “protection” from them, they’ll end up feeling aggressive toward you.
It is sometimes difficult to realize that all human interactions rest on “VERBS.” There is always a verb active. Some are effective and pro-life, while others are energy zappers. Some are under our control, and others are unconscious.
Here’s a short list of ineffective verbs to avoid getting in action about: to patronize, to condescend, to bully, to withhold, to mock, to accuse, to reproach, to talk down, to victimize, to ridicule, to cater to, to avoid, to harass, to condemn, to ignore, to flee, to nag, etc.
Become more aware of your “automatic” communication verbs! The power is in the verb you use, followed by its natural flow of actions, gestures, facial expressions and words. Remember your audience follows your lead, which is your “verb in action.”
A good exercise is to ask a few people you work with, what your communication verbs are. Ask them if there are any traces of pleasing, patronizing or any traces of the above mentioned verbs.
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